My journey to body acceptance
A few years ago, after getting divorced, I developed an eating disorder.
I didn’t know how to cope with the heavy feelings of loss and pain and the deep sense of loneliness I felt. And so, I turned to food to provide that sense of comfort and a layer of protection for my body - I gained about 10kgs within the space of about 2-3 months.
A few months later after realising how much weight I had gained and the unhealthy habits I had developed, I began to speak so unkindly to myself and experience such a deep sense of shame. “How could I let myself get to this point,” “No-one will ever love me again now,” "I'm disgusting," and on and on the awful self talk continued.
I then took to researching every possible way to lose weight. I read countless books on weight loss, nutrition and exercise. I would lie on my bedroom floor for hours listening to podcasts from professional body builders on how to shred down for competitions, and the fastest way to lose fat.
I tried everything - starving myself for 2 days a week, paleo, intermittent fasting, a vegan diet, took up running, PT sessions, F45, sometimes all within the space of one day. I became obsessed with food, calories, macros, steps, and numbers on the scale. I was anxious every time I ‘had’ to go to restaurants with friends, would monitor how much olive oil my sister was putting in her home-cooked meals before deciding if I should eat it.
Safe to say it got pretty bad. Food and weight loss consumed my every waking thought, to the point where I couldn’t focus on anything else except my body weight, how I looked and how little food I could manage to get away with eating that day (usually unsuccessful, which would then trigger the most horrible insults to myself about how undisciplined and worthless I was).
Four years on and it has been an absolute journey. I don’t know that I’m fully “healed” or ever will be, but I’ve come a long way. After many hours of therapy, unending support from family and friends, 3 silent meditation retreats, plant medicine journeys, countless breath work sessions and with many other spiritual and psychological tools now in my toolkit - I can say that I’ve started to accept myself and my body for who she is.
Being a photographer and a highly visual person, it has been a real challenge to start to focus on something other than how something looks. My journey has largely been about learning to "feel" - to feel my emotions without trying to numb them, to feel what foods my body is craving for nourishment, to feel when I need to stop exercising and rest, and to learn to feel joy and peace again.
Most of this joy has come from a change in my internal environment and learning to accept myself. But another part of it has also been a change in my external environment, moving to live by the ocean in 2020 was the catalyst for so much growth in my life. Swimming in the water almost every day changed my life. It’s hard to describe why, but the feelings of being free, weightless and beautiful contributed.
I know I'm definitely not the first to speak about body acceptance and disordered eating, but I feel that my own experience has been leading me to this point where I can channel this experience into my creative work. I’m not usually one to talk about such personal things online as I’m not looking for sympathy or attention, but I felt it was important for me to share this part of my journey, as it has shaped me as a person and I wanted to explain how special and personal this new print collection is to me.
My next print collection is going to be an underwater series which features beautiful bodies of all shapes and sizes. It is going to be an evolving one, as I meet people who are brave enough to be vulnerable and bare all in an underwater environment. If this is you, please send me an email or get in touch via Instagram. I’m excited to continue to delve into the world of underwater photography, and this feels like a really aligned project for me.
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As always, thank-you for your ongoing support of my work!